Gregor wanted a Funny Guitar

GREGOR WANTED A FUNNY GUITAR

by Clancy O’Lafferty

leprechaun laughing.jpg2

Gregor went down to Qatar

To buy him a funny guitar

An Arabian lady was playin’ so grand

One night at a Frenchman’s bar

The girl had a scarf on her head

And another was danciin’ by heck

Gregor said, “by gum I’m buyin’ me one

And a dancer as well if I can!”‘

When he spied a good shop in Doha

He muttered, “by gory aha!

Now that one there is the same or I’m lame

as the dame in the Frenchman’s bar!

“Now how many Royals is that?”

And he smiled like a Chesire cat

He looked round the room as he whistled a tune

But the price made his whistle fall flat

Gregor said, “I”ll try to be nice

And I’ll pay but a third of your price”

If you throw in a dancer, a belly dance prancer

You know the kind that I like.

Tis here in the land of Qatar,

You invented them funny guitars

And the dancers as well, them she devils from hell

That I love in the Frenchman’s bar

Their navels that rotate so slowly

And hips with a mind of their own see?

Well, it all started here and they sell lots of beer

And I’ll open a pub up in Derry”

Well, the owner he showed him the door

With a boot to his butt and he swore

“Allah give you some lashes instead of silk sashes

And all of these sins you adore!”

“You know that these all started here?

Gregor pointed his finger and jeered

The navels, the teats and the swivelling hips

And the oldest concoctions for beer!

I know that you secretly love em

And you think that yer somehow above em

Tis money yer after you git fiddle crafter

Now take yer fine profits and shove em!”

Murphy Drives A Semi

Murphy Drives A Semi

by Clancy O’Lafferty

clancy olafferty

 

Murphy moved to the You Nighted States

cuz he wanted to drive a big semi

and he dreamed of all them highway cafes

with them waitresses hot and are plenty

but his hopes got busted when his wife said

that she must ride every haul with him you see

well, Murphy he tried

to prevent her by chiding

“You’ll not have me stoppin’ to pee!”

she said, “No, I won’t

I can hold it you dolt”

and at last he was forced to agree

but ten miles down the interstate

she said “For pity’s sake

stop, let me get some relief!”

Murphy said, “No!

Roll down the window

stick yer bum out and take yer damn pee!”

so, she did it but soon

she said, “Number two

as well tis callin’ me name”

Murphy said, “NO!

Roll down the window

with the poo you can just do the same!”

and so she did

and the flyin’ shit

hit two drunks on the side of the lane

One said to the other

“What rotten tobaccer

them truckers is chewin’ these days!”

The other one said

“You ain’t kiddin’ Fred

but it’s one other thing that I’ll ask ya

the tobacco’s sure rotten

but my eyesight is not

did you notice the face on that bastard?

leprechaun laughing.jpg2

copyright Maurie Nord 2014

 

 

Carnaby Finnegan Moves a Bust

clancy olafferty

Carnaby Finnegan Moves a Bust

by Clancy O’Lafferty

Carnaby Finnegan said

“Dammit I sinned
I saw that same lassie again at the bar!”

He saw her big boobs
and he thought like a stooge
then his thoughts very soon went afar
Well quick as a wink, he bought her a drink
and made a progression he guessed
until through the door
walked a six-foot-four
her beau with a fifty-inch chest
Finnegan said with a face beet red
“Well, here’s a kind lady I think
I was sittin’ alone
she had pity and so
she decided to buy me a drink”

leprechaun laughing.jpg2

 

Word count:100 Draft saved at 8:58:27 pm. Last edited by Maurie Nord on July 19, 2014 at 5:35 pm

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ge
then his thoughts very soon went afar
Well quick as a wink, he bought her a drink
and made a progression he guessed
until through the door
walked a six-foot-four
her beau with a fifty-inch chest
Finnegan said with a face beet red
“Well, here’s a kind lady I think
I was sittin’ alone
she had pity and so
she decided to buy me a drink”


 

Murphy Enjoys a Viking Feast

clancy olafferty

Murphy Enjoys A Viking Feast

by Clancy O’Lafferty

Murphy went to a Viking feast
a medieval all you can eat
where they throw the bones all around the hall
and try to hit their mother-in-law
but they had a rule to govern the booze
a simple rhyme that they had  to use:

“You horrible wench don’t make me think
I’ll raise no stench if you bring me a drink”

Well, Murphy had practised it all day long
and knew he could say it and never go wrong
no matter the number of shots he downed
he could say that rhyme and without a doubt
The serving wench came around and purred

“Now Murphy my master what can I thee serve”

And Murphy said this and it’s true for sure:

“You horrible stench don’t thake me mink
I’ll staise no rench if you ding me a brink!”

leprechaun laughing.jpg2

copyright Maurie Nord

James Wilson of the Dyan

The Wilsons of the Dyan

by

Maurie Nord

Well we reckon we see with our glasses of Guinness
and the Lord Himself says, “what you drink’s your own business”
He leaves us some matters to find in our time
the truth of what matters what matters will rhyme

We sing

Hey ho Hey ho!
We’re from the Wilsons direct of the Dyan now
Hey ho hey ho
we’re of the Emerald Isle!

We sing

Hey ho Hey ho!
We’re from the Wilsons direct of the Dyan now
Hey ho hey ho
we’re of the Emerald Isle

Quiet now….

We’re all of the Emerald Isle

Quiet now….

We’re all of the Emerald Isle

 

Copyright Maurie Nord 2014

Clancy’s Job at the Museum

clancy olafferty

Clancy’s Job at the Museum

by Clancy O’Lafferty

Clancy began as a maintenance man
at a famous jurassic museum
But washing the floors and oiling the doors
soon did bore him and quite failed to please him

So he thought he’d impress and teach all the guests
all about the fine fossil exhibits
He was teaching one day when a boy said, “Hey,
that dinosaur just how old is it?”

Clancy replied with his chin held high
“Ten million and one years today”
The boy said, “Wow! Please tell me, sir, how
so exactly you know of its age?”

Clancy said, “Well, it’s quite easy to tell
you precisely here’s how and I’ll say
The bones, I was told are ten million years old
And I’ve worked here a year to this day!”

leprechaun laughing.jpg2

 

copyright Maurie Nord 2014

Men Can Dance Better Than Women!

Men Can Dance Better Than Women!

by Clancy O’Lafferty

clancy olafferty

 

Now Donnegal bragged to his wife about dancing
“Men can dance better than women!
Who leads River dance?
Tis a man bonnie lass and
What woman can moon walk like Jackson?
And Muhammed Ali who can sting like a bee
yet a butterfly be on his toesies
Find me a lass who can dance like that
and I’ll pick you a bouquet of posies
And take Fred Astaire whose dancin’ shoes danced
up the stairway to heaven forever
Is that not the test
that men are the best?
God’s gift of great dancers are men dear!”
Missus Donnegal said, “Fred Astaire was the best
and beside him the “Jacko” looks awkward?
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did
and she did it in heels dancin’ backwards!”

leprechaun laughing1083_RS19_S012P120.jpg

copyright Maurie Nord 2014

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

clancy olafferty

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

By Clancy O’Lafferty

 

A father walked into the barber shop

With his darlin’ young daughter in hand

The shop was full of old men who woke up

And they whispered of what they beheld

“What’s he doin’ in here on a Saturday morn

With his daughter it don’t seem right?

Should he not be out playin’ a round of golf

Or keepin’ his fishin’ line tight?

When his turn came time

In the chair he climbed for a haircut

And just as he planned

His daughter inquired and so childlike inspired,

“Is this all we’ve to do on rag time?”

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This is a true story as told by a Master Barber. It really happened! The shop erupted in gales of laughter…the father turned into a beet!

Copyright Maurie Nord

Murphy The Riddle Master

clancy olafferty

Murphy The Riddle Master

by Clancy O’Lafferty

randy the riddler

Randolph Riddlington:

“So Murphy you claim that you’re the best?

Well, here is one that you’ll never guess!

Mix PMS with GPS

And tell me now just what you’ll get?

Murphy:

“You know full well that I’m the best

But once more I’ll be glad to remind you

Mix PMS and GPS?

You’ll get a bitch that is bound to find you!”

 

Disclaimer: AHHHH! Don’t take me serious although some men may insist upon doing so!

leprechaun laughing.jpg2

copyright Maurie Nord 2014

 

 

 

 

Murphy Airline Crash Detective

clancy olafferty

Murphy Airline Crash Detective

by Clancy O’Lafferty

Now, Murphy said “surely
I’m trained and I’m worthy
to find out why airplanes do crash
I took seven lessons
And now there’s no guessin’
Me expert opinion means cash!
Concernin’ the fate of
flight eight-forty-eight
I am certain my me findins will tell
Great investigations found great revelations
it crashed ‘cuz  the fockin’ thing fell!”

Apology: this is in no way to make light of anyone who has lost a loved one due to an airline, or any other accident. The poem has more to do with ridiculing those who dodge responsibility to avoid paying money to make  airline travel safer!