Old Phart Phrases In The Barber Shop

clancy olafferty

Old Phart Phrases In The Barber Shop

By Clancy O’Lafferty


“Hey Joe! How’s it goin’ now?” The young barber said

“Take him out and shoot him!” Said an old fart, Fred,

Whose nose was in the daily, “Hell, he looks half dead!”

Joe skipped into the barber chair, “Aw shut up Fred!


“You should charge him rent, kid, how long’s he bin there?

Prolly bin an hour since you gussied up his hair

Drinkin’ all yer coffee and he’s stinkin’ up the air

The only place he’s gotta go we call it ‘nowhere’”.


“Still six for haircut? Still fair as can be!”

Fred said, “He should be chargin’ you a finder’s fee!”

“Fred, the barber prolly cut yer damn hair for free

If when he got her done you’d just agree to leave”


“The usual Joe?” The barber grinned and said

“Trim me side bars an’ eyelashes an’ shoot ol’ Fred!”

“Anything new?” The barber straightened up his head

“No, I’ll tell ya what I’ve told ya seven times instead.”



The missus went an’ ordered up a smart telly vision

An’ I tell ya kid it really was stupid-ass decision

Even Jim would call it an impossible mission

If I had a lick o’ sense I shoulda just gone fishin’


They shipped the telly vision right directly to our home

Packed in a hundred pounds o’ stret-ra-foam

Took me seven hours talkin’ on the telephone

To hook up all the wires an’ to figure the remote


We finally got her workin’ round about midnight

In fifty years o’ marriage never had us such a fight

Me and the missus duked it out with all our might

We finally got her settled round about daylight


The remote was a kinda funny lob long thing

Fred said, “Now what the hell does “lob long” mean?”

Joe just ignored him and he went on to explain

“That the lob long remote was like a space ship thing”


“You orn’ry ol’ goat Joe, tell the barber now

What you mean by “lob long” if you even know how”

“Fred, you didn’t finish grade school, instead you played the clown

If ya got somethin’ ‘lob long’ it ain’t FUCKIN’ ROUND!”

leprechaun laughing


poem copyright Maurie Nord 2014



One thought on “Old Phart Phrases In The Barber Shop

  1. I have been a Journeyman barber since 1972. These are snippets of real conversations that I listened to and tried my best to keep from falling down on the floor laughing. These are the guys who looked the Nazis and Japanese in the face….the went down in subs and up in fighter planes. And from impossible beach landings, they stormed across the plains. The greatest generation.

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